souls of misconduct

i have a confession to make: i don't have any important message to deliver. sorry i mislead you. my conduct has been unbecoming of a masked avenger, which i am. in fact i must drop character for a moment to speak to you as the man behind the mask. as recently as yesterday, i was the guy you all know and love, or at least a good bit of you knew and loved, but on the ride back from where i was, i had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. i realized just how unsatisfied i was with living this way. i don't have my own space, i don't have any friends nearby and i neglect the one true friend that is accessible to me. and, as it turns out, she hasn't been honest with me, but that's neither here nor there. the truth is i am terrified about what lies ahead for me. i still, STILL don't know where or even if i'm going to be in school in the next few months. how wild is that? i STILL don't know the most important bit of info about my future. and ladies and gentleman, that pretty much sums things up right now. that cold bitter fear of the unknown has crept back into my life.

it reminds me of my childhood, see back then i was afraid of the dark. in fact i wouldn't move, speak, or even open my eyes in a dark room for fear that the imaginary 'it' would be waiting just ahead of me to do something unspeakable if i moved or made a noise. and that 'it' has become 'life', and that 'life' has been stripped down to it's most notorious components: I-F. and, no, snoopy ain't flying down to save me from this red baron. i realized during that car ride that the 'it' of my childhood follies had become the 'if' that life throws at us all. while many of my friends and associates have taken that if by the neck and wrestled it back to life, i just haven't been able to. hell, i'm scared to. if i fail to bring if back to life, then i have a bachelors degree and am, to quote a younger me, "d0omed to the cubicle to feed my legacy". if i succeed then i'm on my way to law school in durham, LA, or NYC, and then i'm a lawyer, and i'm fucking trapped by my title and my practices location. i'm an angelino, new yorker, or carolinian, period, pencils down, pass in the test. THIS IS AN IRRATIONAL FEAR! success is the 'it' lurking in the dark, and i can't move, can't even open my eyes to behold it!

so during this moment of clarity, a query was about me. i asked myself "drew, what do you love?" and the answer was clear. i love the college atmosphere, and no sooner had the thought completed itself than i realized i was wrong. i'm not afraid of the fail/succeed conundrum, the bogeyman is boredom! i feel like i'm leaving the best years behind me without having fully realized them, and now it's work and taxes. even once i get into law school, 3 years and it's work and taxes. sorry but, that won't fly with me.