THAT guy...

**DISCLAIMER: the following is intended for drewninitos, or male drewninites. the drewniverse would like to ask all female drewninites, or drewninitas, to please skip to the end. there's cake and ice cream there. no foolin!**

fellas, i got to talk to y'all for a minute. hey, now, shit dude, i know. we don't really like to talk about real shit a whole helluva lot -- hell, i know i'd rather be writing a blog about beer and football and making sexy time and video games right now-- but i just need to know if i'm alone on this. do y'all have that one fucking guy that you know  who you, through no fault of your own, are acquainted with (your friends are his friends and shit) who you just look at and think, "man, i never ever ever want to follow that guy into anything.... anything"? (see? i brought back into the comfort zone. this IS about the vajayjay) for those of you who haven't received your copy of the drewniversal guide to drewniversal vernacular, "follow" in the context of the above sentence means "to put ones P in a va-G for which you are aware of at least one prior user", or in laymen's terms, to have sex with a girl that a guy you know has already had sex with. and don't all of us have that one guy? real talk, bruh! we all got that one dude who no matter how cool he is, we just couldn't bring ourselves to follow into a girl we know he's already done the do with (DGDV: done the do - made sex with) and it's not one thing in particular about the dude that rubs us wrong. it's just from observation. for example, when i was in college i had a friend who i just knew i would never follow, and i mean i didn't care if the girl was freida pinto bad. i aint care if she had a body like blac chyna (natural, too) and a ass to match, if she effed with him she could not eff with drew. we've all been there. maybe you were afraid you might catch something messing with post-that-dude girls. maybe dude had really shitty taste/no standards and you just knew that if he messed with her she probably wasn't within specs. but whatever it was... you just weren't comfortable knowing that he'd already been there. there is a simple solution that will allow you to keep the friendship in tact, if you and dude are cool like that (i'd suggest staying cool with homie if for no other reason than to better keep track of his book [DGDV: book - short for black book]. that guy will always talk about girls he's known in that way). there are steps. did i mention that earlier? well, there are, and here they are:

1. stay friends. you can't keep track of dude's book if y'all ain't at least cool. no worse feeling than finding out after the fact that your girl once had an encounter with home slice...
2. pay attention to girls that fall for homie's game for future reference. even if he got game we've already established that we are uncomfortable with going where that guy's gone before
3. because you've stayed friends, you now know dude's scene. prowl in a different scene (DGDV: prowl: to go out in search of potential sexy time companions).
4. ALTERNATIVE: play wingman. man law prevents prowling dudes acting as a unit to do anything with the other's targets. well, not first at least.

now that we've established that we all know that one guy, and we've discussed how not to follow that guy we can rest easier. alright, drewninitas, you can come back.

oh yeah, the delicious confections! you have three choices, so enjoy!

this is the sessy, sensuous cake and ice cream

this is the party time ice cream and cake

this cake's ice cream is a lie

gettin fat. whatev's

if you read the whole thing you'll get to watch 2 whole videos!!!!! so do it



Fuck law school and the miserable bastard that invented.

My foolhardy endeavor to get my legalese on has cost me a lot. It's caused me to estrange or alienate my friends and family, lose touch with what's going on in the outside world, fall into what I'm sure are the early stages of alcoholism, and worst of all, it may even cost me the best romance I've ever known. Law school sucks SOOOOOO hard. The blows I've taken to my psyche, confidence and social life since getting here will never be fully relieved. Even if i can salvage my relationship with her, let's face it: what it was is gone forever. Forever. The stink of this situation  (at least based on how i feel now) will always be there. A stain like that just doesn't come out, but you know what? I could live with all of that, all of it, hard and undesirable as it may be. I could do it, but law school has had one more nagging fee. A fee that taxes many of us wise fools who walk this path: I'm getting fat. Inexplicably fat at that.

And I ain't talking a few extra pounds either. I've put on a solid 20 extra, book reading, note taking, brief writing pounds since the start of last semester. Guys, there are shirts I bought at Christmas that looked nice then that just aren't cutting it anymore. And it's not for lack of maintenance, I'm in the gym sweating it out 4, 5, hell sometimes 6 times a week every week without fail. It's Thursday and I've already hit the gym twice, plan on going tonight and probably will go twice tomorrow since there's no class on Friday anymore. The amount of work I put in each week at the gym rivals the amount I put in doing LAW! But here I am, abdominal definition gone, belly making a comeback at my computer knocking out this quick blog before I do more law!

Sitting here, I look at my formerly vascular arms just upset at myself for letting this school business kick my ass. But, black Phoenix Wright that I am, I believe I've figured out why: several things!

objection overruled!

1) I don't sleep. Like at all. This lovely blog that you all should read spells out my issues with the sandman quite nicely.
2) Terrible food! Earlier today i made an assessment of what my meals consisted of and i realized that a brother hasn't seen a leafy green vegetable that wasn't accompanied by greasy hunks of salted sugar meats in... a long time. And I don't count the broccoli that came with the sesame chicken I had for dinner a few nights ago.
3) The AC that keeps my room a balmy 84 degrees. Apparently by doing that, I'm robbing my body of all those wonderful calorie burning opportunities that keeping self regulating Drew's internal temp offers.
4) Living in America *James Brown voice*.  all these silly industrial chemicals that float around in the air we breathe cause us to pack on the pounds. Science types have done studies, believe me.
5) Law school (which fucking sucks). All the not moving around I have to do in order to be a decent law student is making me fat! I FUCKING KNEW IT! Also, there are tons of empty calories in alcohol which, as I implied earlier, I consume in copious amounts because how the fuck else am I supposed to deal with the stress of law school?

6) and finally: NO SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I was deciding to go to law school I planned on being single so I could, like, bang with the lady 1Ls and junk. However, in an ironic twist of fate, I decided to begin a relationship with a nice young lady from college and proceeded to do the boyfriend thing. As this relationship was both fairly young and totally awesome, I decided not to break up before the semester started, effectively and simultaneously also deciding to be celibate while in law school. As we all know few activities are more physically exhausting and calorie burnerific (trademark) than a good thrust session, and as I have not had any thrust sessions I haven't burned those precious extra calories.

OK, so you want proof. well, sorry to say i didn't do any research. BUT, the guy in the video below sure did. And as you can probably tell by the causes of fatty fat fatness we both use, i sat on my fat ass and watched it. You do the same... fatties..

the anticipatory blog

ok, bitches, this here blog isn't real a blog at all. i know what you're thinking.... let me explain. ya see, on my previous blog (the still active, if unutilized, myspace page) there was this tradition where every year i would announce who the worlds greatest fuck-ups were. i called it the fuck-up of the year award. well, guess what bitches? i'm bringing it to DIUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! try to contain your euphoria. not sure when i'll have my list finished for last year but it should be coming soon....


ps, since the decade ended guess what else is coming? the (wait for it) FUCK-UP OF THE DECADE AWARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *gasp* spaz now if you please...

10 greatest songs of the decade (so far)

it's your momma's favorite lover man, luscious, here bringing you the official DIUU list of the top ten rankings for songs of the decade in the category of: GREATNESS. what is greatness? we define it as a song of at least upper mid quality that had an impact, meaning it was a hit, effected the industry, was an anomaly, career definer, or genre definer, was socially relevant or crossed over into pop culture. the most important factor is quality, obviously. so some very big songs didn't make the cut (sorry "umbrella" and “in da club". the second most important factor is, however, chart positioning. only top 40 songs were eligible, so there are some very good songs that were left off the list (sorry Raconteurs and DOOM catalog). there was one more factor that weighed heavy on the list, and that was that the entry had to be a song released originally this decade, meaning no remakes or millennium holdovers, excluding monters like "what's going on", "float on", and the first numero uno of the decade, "big pimpin'". with no further ado, DIUU presents the list:

“Paper Planes”- M.I.A.
“Jesus Walks”- Kanye West
“Stan”- Eminem/ “Hey Ya!”- OutKast
“Clocks”- Coldplay/ “Ordinary People” John Legend
“Don’t Know Why”- Norah Jones
“American Idiot”- Green Day
“Ms. Jackson”- OutKast
“Seven Nation Army”- The White Stripes
“Where is the Love?”- Black Eyed Peas f/ Justin Timberlake
“A Milli”- Lil’ Wayne/ “Gone”- N*SYNC
Ok, so it's really 13 songs, but who's counting? neway, it should be no surprise that the M.I.A. offering is the greatest song of the decade. it was a smash single,is socially relevant, and is still as popular what, two years post natal (literally. ya'll saw Maya at the grammys looking like the poster girl for BellaBluMaternity.com). well, here are more in-depth explanations for the winners:
A Milli
Artist: Lil’ Wayne
Year: 2008
Album: Tha Carter III
Rank: 10(t)
Why: the song that bore ‘a milli’on remakes. Was the biggest and most influential song of the career of the man some say is the next GOAT candidate. One of the top 100 hip hop songs ever, likely top 50, arguably top 20.
Gone
Artist: N*SYNC
Year: 2002
Album: Celebrity
Rank: 10(t)
Why: the pantheon of boy bands that permeated the pop era was a muddled bunch, to say the least. Two of these stood above the rest: The Backstreet Boys and N*SYNC. After this song, there was only N*SYNC. The only song that was equally loved by rich white teenie bopper girls and grown black men. By both preps and thugs. No small feat, considering the bands origins.
Where is the Love?
Artist: Black Eyed Peas f/ Justin Timberlake
Year: 2003
Album: Elefunk
Rank: 9
Why: The Black Eyed Peas enjoyed a long career of fringe hip hop fame, enjoying support from a core group of fans thast appreciated their niche sound. Around ’03, former Mickey Mouse Clubber, Fergie, joined the group and the Peas decided to collab with Justin Timberlake (N*SYNC alum) on this song. The Black Eyed Peas have since enjoyed a career as mainstream artists. Will.i.am and Fergie have also had solo success. This song was their coming out party, so to speak.
Seven Nation Army
Artist: The White Stripes
Year: 2003
Album: Elephant
Rank: 8
Why: though already well known from their “White Blood Cells” album, ‘army’ seemingly formed like the universe: from nothing, then an explosion of everything. The single ‘SNA’ mirrored this sudden explosion, as a brooding guitar, so deep and dark it had to be a bass, but wasn’t, lick told the story before Jack White’s first frenetic line. Then sister Meg with her never too much but always just right cadence built into the explosive refrain (no hook here, just verse) like a fuse igniting the accelerant. Then, much like the universe itself, the cold darkness of the first riff returns and the process begins again. By the way, Euro fans still chant this riff at sporting events.
Ms. Jackson
Artist: OutKast
Year: 2001
Album: Stankonia
Rank: 7
Why: the 2 dope boys in the Cadillac had been around, garnering critical success and hip hop respect ever since the ‘playas ball’ in ’92. Sporting an eclectic mix of grimey southern smoked out rhymes, and space age future funk, not to mention the best MC in the south (Andre 3000) and the slickest lyricist in the game (Big Boi), they had spun gold becoming the most respected duo since Eric B. and Rakim. However, they had never had any crossover success. Enter 2000’s ‘Stankonia’. Throwing away conventions, they selected the exhausting buzzsaw of a song ‘ B.O.B.’ as the debut single. Next came this song. This song finally gave the ATL dream team the commercial success they deserved. Was the biggest hit of their career at the time…
American Idiot
Artist: Green Day
Year: 2004
Album: American Idiot
Rank: 6
Why: Green Day should have been dead. They should have been a half mile down the ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ by then. They were a relic of a bygone era. From an era where a flannel shirt, ripped jeans, scraggly hair, and driving guitars equaled mass appeal and big bucks. A decade passed their prime, and a term removed from their last studio album, came an anthem. Not only did this anthem revive their careers, it made it possible for other message filed, politically charged anthems to permeate the pop charts. ‘Idiot’ marked a high point in the careers of the already highly respected quartet.
Don’t Know Why
Artist: Norah Jones
Year: 2002
Album: Come Away With Me
Rank: 5
Why: it’s Grammy time, folks, and there are only two contenders really. And everybody knows that this year the battle comes down to Slim Shady and The Boss. Eminem or Springsteen. Up against each other in every major category, and with the two biggest critically acclaimed albums of the year, and the same number of nominations it all comes down to which one takes the most. First we must chose the best new artist. In comes Norah. She takes best new artist. She is also up in all the categories that Slim and Boss are in. so here we go! Each man has expectedly swept their genre’s. now record of the year goes too… Norah Jones “Don’t Know Why”?!?!?!? okay, song of the year too… Norah Jones “Don’t Know Why”?!?!?!? again?! Well time for the big showdown: album of the year goes to Slim or The Boss right? No! Norah Jones wins that as well! ‘Don’t Know Why’ makes this list for the body count it left at the ’03 Grammy awards. It toppled the unconquerable Eminem and felled the mighty Bruce Springsteen.
i know, i know, this is only 7 songs (the bottom five rankings). so you wanna know what gives? you're gonna have to wait for the others.... ta ta for now

great moments in nomenclature

in honor of the great basketball name Fab Melo, a top 5 prospect in the 2010 class, your dark warrior has decided to compile a list of the most intriguing names of all time. i call this list the DDisUU hall of nomencalture inaugural class:

leading off we have the man with the meanest, toughest most painfully awesome man name ever:

Staff Sergeant Max Fightmaster (actual army officer)

next we have the most interesting baby name:

Thor Wang (father chinese, mother swedish)

here we have most unintentionally awesome name:

Batman Bin Suparman
here's the passport poto that proves it!

list time!

basketball:
1. God Shammgod - and thou shalt rejoice in him
2. Gregor Fucka - he told you!
3. Chief Kickingstallionsims - where did he get this name and how can i be down?

football:
1. Atari Bigby - just damn good
2. Mac Speedie - he was a wideout. perfect
3. Lucuous Pusey - think about it...
4. Dick Butkus - legendary man, legendarily named

baseball:
1. Jung Bong - get high
2. Urban Shocker - sounds like an anti hero
3.

soccer:
1. Norman Conquest

i have researched this drew everyday fellow

i have been looking into this guy, drew everyday. he seems to be on the up and up, but as you will see from this list of twenty-five things that i have discovered about him, he raises a number of questions.


1. Drew's cooler than you. deal with it. (he's certainly sure of himself)

2. Drew's better than moultrie. he knows why (moultrie. why does that sound familiar?)

3. never try and fuck with drew. especially not on crenshaw (refers the masacre on crenshaw. ive heard tales of the incident)

4. chuck norris wears drew pajamas to bed. so does superman (for the record there was only circumstantial evidence in regards to this)

5. there is no chin under drews beard. just another drew. (yet to be seen)

6. when us troops pulled sadam out of the hole he wasn't worried about the US invasion. he was hiding because he tried to fuck with drew (his last words were "i never should've fucked with drew". that is on record)

7. the constitution gives us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of drew. (this cant be true)

8. cleanliness is next to drewliness (he does maintain a certain level of hygene)

9. drew once went diamond... in the streets (no official record of this)

10. the only thing we have to fear is drew itself (i believe he said this in an interview)

11. man cannot live by bread alone. he must also not ever fuck with drew (if the crenshaw reports are true, this may be more prudent than i originally suspected)

12. in the year of our lord 1987, God said "let there be drew" and it was so (his birth year)

13. it is a law of physics that two drew's cannot occupy the same space at the same time. the results could be catastrophic (also true for people named sven and angus)

14. the five greatest rappers of all time? drew, drew... drew, drew, and drew (debatable)

15. drew shot the deputy (official reports named no suspect)

16. drew once caught a bullet with his bare hands. the bullet and the gun subsequently apologized for their transgression before growing legs and running back to the manufacturer to hide. (there were witnesses to this unlikely event)

17. there are only three definites in this life: death, taxes, and drew (there have been close to two billion drew sightings)

18. drew is the cure for the common cold (not a scientific fact)

19. there were once 8 days in the week: monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday friday, saturday, sunday, and moonday. moonday tried to fuck with drew. there are now 7 days in a week. (i checked and there was an 8 day week at one point. no mention of thename of the day or the circumstances that led to the revision to 7)

20. drew once performed open heart surgery and delivered a baby at the same time. on the same woman. (i was there)

21. rome was built in a week. it took nine months to make drew. (it takes nine months to make everyone)

22. drew is the walrus. coo-coo-kachoo (investigation in progress)

23. drew once kicked an 80 yard field goal in finger football (he is unusually gifted at finger football)

24. if at first you dont succeed, you're not drew. (i cant say ive seen him fail at much. i cant say ive seen him do much to fail at)

25. drew= mc² (this is a scientific fact)